Mom had died, & for me there was no closure as the last time we spoke was an argument with no resolve. I couldn't reconcile the guilt, shame, pain, anger, & resentment that swirled within me.
I dropped into a “get shit done” mindset, allowing me to numb from my grief experience...as long as I stayed busy. I focused on everyone but myself...carrying on easily for the first month while addressing my mom’s affairs & leaving my 9-5.
Within weeks, things got quiet. Everyone moved on with normal living, except me. My life was completely different. I had no employer to report to, no colleagues around—no accountability, schedule, or agenda. Just me, my business, and a lot of grief. The quiet was deafening; I struggled to stay busy enough to ignore my feelings & the hurricane that was building inside.
I couldn't focus, my mind fogged over with "what if" and "if only" stories—how I "should" have saved my mom. Ideas and strategies shifting daily. It was time to market my services, but I struggled to find my voice—momentum + consistency take a lot of energy and enthusiasm—which was in short supply. Yet, I pushed forward trying to "get back" to who I was before the loss & carry out a mission & vision that was rooted in values of the old Julee.
A huge lesson in grief was that you will never be the same after the loss. It's neither good nor bad…you are just changed.
As I continued to fight against that current, life became more difficult—especially in my business. I lacked passion & energy for my chosen niche, and the scarcity mindset I was raised on began to take hold. "You'll never be good enough, so stop being a burden & get a job already." My inner gremlins hiding behind "practical" reasoning.
It's been a difficult road. What has kept me going & growing over the years is my yoga practice, and discovering many healing arts and communities that moved me from suppression, to expression, to liberation. I want you to find this clarity now, and not 8 years from now. I am here to be your guide. Stay tuned, in the coming weeks I'll share healing tools & practices that inspire resilience & transformation for the grief and entrepreneurship journey.